The Stealer of the Bacardi Breezers
by Fawn89
Summary: Completely random Lord Of the Rings Parody. Frog goes on a quest to stop The Sour One from stealing all the Bacardi Breezers...
1. An old Wizzy returns

The Stealer of the Bacardi Breezers  
  
This story is my first attempt at one, and is a Lord of the Rings spoof. I love The Lord of the Rings, and am a great admirer of Tolkien's work, so don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to offend anyone. Basically, this all started when me and my best mate Els were watching The Fellowship of the Ring at my house, got hy (as in hyper- spelt that way so that people don't think we're taking drugs!!!) and Els said, "What if Sauron (The Sour One in this story) stole all the Bacardi Breezers?", and the plot of this story was born. I disclaim Bacardi Breezers by the way- they are probably the only thing I don't own...I have written this story myself, but some of the later chapters had some input from Els. It is just meant to be funny, and it obviously can't live up to the real books; it's just some light relief.  
  
The part that is based on The Fellowship of the Ring is based on the film not the book, but the parts which should be based on The Two Towers and The Return of the King are only lightly based on the books. I dedicate this story to Els, as she is my bestest friend, and my fellow weirdo.  
  
Chapter 1: An old Wizzy returns  
  
Frog Boggins was a habbit, who lived in his habbit-hole with his cousin Bibbo Boggins. His cousin owned a magic ring of power (this was really just a blue plastic ring from the top of a drink bottle).  
  
One day Grandold the Wizzy knocked on the door. Frog and Bibbo ran to open it, and when they hugged Grandold they knocked him flying (habbits were twice the size of wizzys).  
  
"Calm down you two, I need to tell you some bad news" said Grandold.  
  
"Oh not again. You never tell us anything good. Why can't you just fk off and leave us in peace?" whined Frog.  
  
"Sorry, but I need to tell you the latest on The Sour One" replied Grandold.  
  
"Oh great! I thought I got rid of him when I shoved him in that hole full of Bacardi Breezers" whined Bibbo.  
  
"God you habbits do whine a lot. Bibbo you are such an arse...Bacardi Breezers are what The Sour One lives on, and you pushed him into a pool of the stuff he loves" said Grandold.  
  
"But you never told me that!" replied Bibbo, "You told me he would die if I did that".  
  
"No I didn't, you gimp!!! I said a pool of BEER. GOT IT YET??? BEER!!!" shouted Grandold, "The Sour One is trying to steel all the Bacardi Breezers and then take over In-Betweeny-Place".  
  
"SHIT!!!" exclaimed Frog.  
  
"Frog, as Bibbo is a lazy old arse and can't do anything right, I need you to push The Sour one into a pool of beer, and destroy the magic ring too".  
  
"Erm...what's the magic ring got to do with anything?" asked Frog.  
  
"I dunno, but this is meant to be a crapped up version of The Lord of the Rings, so we need a magic ring. I guess it summons all the Bacardi Breezers to The Sour One".  
  
"Okay!!! Okay!!! Keep your hair on!!!" replied Frog, "Can I take some peeps with me?"  
  
"Yep. Just go to Riverhell and find some people there. I'm sure I'llrun won't mind. Take your best friends; Sum, Pip-pop and Merrid with you too. They're useless and have an IQ of two between them, but they might make this story funny (though I doubt it) so what the hell"  
  
"Okay, I'm off...No wait I can't be arsed!!!" said Frog, "Are you gonna come Grandold? Because I think you should"  
  
"No I think I'm meant to get captured by Shaguman (pronounced Shag-you-man) the Bastard first. So, see you then" replied Grandold, and he walked out the door, out of Habbitdown, and all the way out of Habbitland. 


	2. We can't be arsed, and in Bray

Chapter 2: We can't be arsed, and in Bray  
  
When Frog finally bothered to get his lazy arse out of Bog End (the habbit- hole where he and Bibbo lived), he went to find his friends, Sumone (pronounced some-one obviously...) Gadget (or Sum for short), Pip-pop Take and Merrid Brandnew. Being stupid (and completely gullible) they went with him.  
  
They travelled out of Habbitdown, through Brandhand, and out of Habbitland completely. Along the way, if they ever bothered to talk to each other, much of the conversation involved their favourite words- "I can't be arsed".  
  
Eventually they reached Bray. This was a dirty and smelly little town, which was, in the words of Frog himself, "completely crap". They walked through the streets, towering above everyone- Bray was inhabited by Min, and Habbits were the tallest creatures of the Stuck Peoples of In-Betweeny- Place. The habbits decided to stay in the only inn, which was called The Dancing Donkey. They walked up to the desk, where the innkeeper Old Arsehole was sitting.  
  
"Hello young habbits. Are looking for somewhere to stay? If so, we have some large, but cosy, habbit-sized rooms available, Mr...er...?"  
  
"Overill. My name is Overill" replied Frog (Grandold had told him that The Sour One's ghosty-wraithy things, the Ringbreezers, were looking for the magic ring. They knew that the one who had it went by the name of Boggins, so Grandold had told Frog to call himself Overill).  
  
"Okay then, Mr. Overill, I'll show you to your rooms".  
  
Old Arsehole led them up some stairs, to a large room with four beds in it.  
  
"I hope to see you down in the bar" he said.  
  
"Okay, we'll be down in a bit", replied Frog.  
  
Five minutes later, they were down in the bar trying to get as pissed as possible on good old beer from Beeror (there was a serious shortage of Bacardi Breezers since The Sour One had started steeling them).  
  
"That guy in the corner has been staring at you ever since we sat down. Do you reckon he's gay and fancies you or summin?" Sum asked Frog.  
  
Frog called Old Arsehole over and asked him, "That guy in the corner who is he? And why the fk is he staring at me?"  
  
"I dunno why he's staring at you and I don't really care. As for hiss name, he's never bothered to tell me, so round here he's known as Slyguy".  
  
"Oooookaaaaay. That's weird" remarked Frog, sounding very worried.  
  
Just then he had a sudden urge (kwtschh!!!) to put the ring on, so he did. Everything went fuzzy, and Frog suddenly realized that he was invisible. He heard Sum scream and he turned around. Just then, he felt someone grab the back of his jacket. At this moment he had two thoughts, both ultimately meaning 'shit I'm dead'. Firstly, he remembered that when someone puts on the ring the Ringbreezers are drawn to it, and if they find the one who is wearing it, they'll kill them. Secondly, the person who had grabbed him was Slyguy, and from the look on his face, Frog thought he was going to kill him. Slyguy pulled him upstairs and into an empty room.  
  
"God he really is gay and now he's gonna try to shag me. Great, just what I need. Really perfect" thought Frog.  
  
"WHY THE FK DID YOU PUT THE RING ON YOU ARSEY STUPID HABBIT???!!!" demanded Slyguy.  
  
"Careful. I'm taller and stronger than you" thought Frog.  
  
"I ASKED YOU A QUESTION AND I DEMAND AN ANSWER. I REPEAT, WHY DID YOU PUT THE BLOODY RING ON?" shouted Slyguy.  
  
"I had an urge to and I couldn't resist it" replied Frog (obviously not realizing how dodgy he sounded).  
  
"Okay, but I thought Grandold told you that you have to resist, or the Ringbreezers will come after you".  
  
"He did, but I told you I COULDN'T RESIST" shouted Frog.  
  
"Keep your voice down will you" ordered Slyguy.  
  
"Hypocrite" replied Frog.  
  
Just then, Sum, Pip-pop and Merrid entered, looking scared and confused.  
  
"What did we miss?" they asked.  
  
"Nothing much" replied Slyguy, "Look you four, the Ringbreezers are coming. You'd better hide in my room, and I'll lead you to Riverhell in the morning. I am a friend of Grandold's and know the full details of your quest. Now get some rest all of you; I'll keep watch" said Slyguy; answering all Frog's questions at once (the rest were two dumb to have any). 


	3. The journey to Riverhell

Chapter 3: The journey to Riverhell  
  
The next morning, Slyguy made them all get up early, much to their annoyance.  
  
"Look Slyguy", moaned Frog, "First you make us get up before the crack of dawn, and now you expect us to carry loads of baggage as well. Well I'm sorry mister, but we're not going to. For God's sake, we can't be arsed damn you!"  
  
"Okay! Okay! I'll steal a pony, seeing as we're all broke" replied Slyguy.  
  
Half an hour later, they were ready to go, and had a new companion, Fill the pony, as Sum had named him. Being sad with a low IQ he had thought that this was hilarious.  
  
"ARE WE GOING TO MOVE OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO BLABBER ON ABOUT THE GOD DAMNED PONY, YOU ARSE OF A NARRATOR" shouted Frog.  
  
Okay, Okay, I'll get on with it. So they started to go on their way to Riverhell. This was a lovely journey; hours of walking with no rest, shit marshes, hardly any food, and more walking.  
  
"Life sucks. You people suck. I suck. Everybody SUCKS" complained Frog (he had said this 24/7 for the past week- it was obviously one week since they had set out (hold on- why is it obvious??? Me is confused...), but for you dumb, but SOPHISTICATED (see I remember the word Els) arses, I need to tell you...pause for breath)...Anyway, don't you just hate these characters? Okay, I'll bring a lovable in...well at least a sane one...I think...I hope... what's sanity???  
  
"GET ON WITH IT" screamed...well...everyone...Okay, I'm hy...  
  
On a beautiful white horse, a beautiful (anyone know another word for beautiful that isn't gorgeous or summin like that???) woman. She rode in, in slow motion (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the beauty of this sigh) looking annoyingly pretty. Just to add to the non-existant dramatic action, ten minutes before Frog had been stabbed by a Ringbreezer, because he had put the ring on yet again...God, what is with him??? Anyway, this beautiful woman was an Ell called Amen. She started to natter with Slyguy in Gibberish (the language of the Ells, which is pronounced with a strong 'g' like in 'give'). It was probably dirty, but I don't know, stop relying on me for information...She then started speaking in Rareish, just so I can tell you the story (Rareish is basically English by the way).  
  
"You must get him to my daddy, I'llrun. I've been trying to find you, but my prayers (hence the name Amen) don't seem to be helping".  
  
"We've been trying to get to your dad for ages" moaned Pip-pop (speaking for the first the first time...WOW!!!)  
  
"Yeah" agreed Merrid (wow- they actually have voices!!!), "Why does he have to live so far away???"  
  
"Don't moan at me, and don't talk about my daddy that way" snapped Amen.  
  
"Ha, ha! She said 'daddy', she's babyish!" jeered Sum (showing off his ever decreasing IQ, and also being a total hypocrite).  
  
"Get a life Sum. Your holding up the story" said Slyguy, "And leave my babe alone or else".  
  
So they all climbed on the backs of the white horse, called Arfelloff, and Fill the pony (how'd they all fit on???), and sped off on a daring race against the Ringbreezers. When they reached the River Hell that surrounds Riverhell, Amen commanded the water in gibberish.  
  
"Gib gibber gibbery gibbeny gibbed gibbing gib gibs", she shouted (I think that means, "You stupid gay water, chase the fing Ringbreezers and kill 'em for me" or summin like that...). So...erm...they did. The Ringbreezers were drownded, and Frog had fainted, so Slyguy carried him, as they walked up the path to the first crappy house thingy in Riverhell, where I'llrun lived. 


	4. In Riverhell

Chapter 4: In Riverhell  
  
Frog woke up a few days later and shouted, "DON'T KILL ME!!! DON'T KILL ME!!!"  
  
"I'm not going to am I?" said a voice, "How will you push The Sour One and the ring into a pool of beer then?"  
  
"Grandold!" cried Frog.  
  
"Yep it's me. Sorry I'm a bit late, but I was right; Shaguman the Bastard did capture me. I managed to escape from the top of his tower, Othank in Iregard, by catching a lift from a passing parrot called Nabala" Grandold told him, and seeing the look on his face, he added, "What?! It was a big parrot, massive in fact, and I'm half the size of you (actually it was just a human sized female parrot, but then Grandold never was one for telling the truth...)"  
  
"Yeah, okay, but where is everyone?" asked Frog.  
  
"Well Sum is going to come through the door in about a second"  
  
Sum enters  
  
"See", continued Grandold, "He's been sitting by your bed most of the time kissing your hand".  
  
"Well, I do need to make him think he still has some sex appeal", explained Sum.  
  
Frog looked flabbergasted at this but decided not to say anything, so that this chapter isn't too long. Well, anyway, Frog got up and ran out of the room, met the other habbits, and they all shared a group hug...aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (yeah- ahh, not argh...)!!! Bibbo should be sitting on a bench, and Frog should see him, but I can't be arsed to bring him in, or I'll have to explain how he got there, and that would involve effort.  
  
Grandold was chatting to I'llrun, and as he looked over a balcony, Longlegs, Borromemirror, and Gimmy entered.  
  
"We need a council, so we're gonna have one tomorrow. Is that okay wit you mate?" asked I'llrun.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever" replied Grandold.  
  
So they had a council, Frog stupidly offered to continue the quest himself, and his companions were decided. They were: Grandold for the Wizzys, Sum, Pip-pop, Merrid (and Frog) for the Habbits, Longlegs for the Ells, Gimmy for the Dafts, and Borromemirror and Slyguy; for the Min.  
  
It had been discovered that Slyguy was actually Arson son of Yourson, heir to the throne of Beeror. He was also in love with Amen, and had been shagging her the whole time they were in Riverhell. I'm sure you really don't want to know the details, and I can't really be arsed to tell you anyway... I'm sorry that their love story should be romantic, but would that be funny??? 


	5. A long, cold and pink journey

Chapter 5: A long, cold and pink journey  
  
So they departed, but not without Arson and Amen having a very long goodbye snog beforehand, much to the disgust of I'llrun (he didn't approve of their relationship- DUH!!!)  
  
So they left (déjà said here peeps...), Grandold leading the way, as no one else knew the way to Baceezer (the place where The Sour One lives). They journeyed for about two weeks, and then Grandold decided to lead them up Carrythus; a huge mountain covered in three feet of snow...  
  
"You fing bastard!!! Why the fk are you leading us up a fing mountain???" shouted everyone but Grandold (talk about excessive swearing...)  
  
"Come on you lazy arses, step to it" Grandold, who was ten metres (metric...) ahead, shouted back.  
  
They walked for hours and hours, stopping only occasionally for a short rest, and then continued again. When it was time for them to go to sleep, they drifted off as soon as their heads touched the freezing and uncomfortable snow (illogical eh?).  
  
The next day, they got up at the crack of dawn and started off again.  
  
"This mountain isn't so bad. I'd heard that it was especially mean, but it's just like any other" said Frog, happily skipping along (talk about tempting fate).  
  
Sure enough, he had spoken too soon. The mountain had heard them, and it thundered, "So you think I'm not hard enough do you? Well I'll show you why they call me The King of Mountains"  
  
"Err...they don't actually" replied Arson.  
  
"Whatever- I'm going to kill you all anyway", laughed Carrythus (God this is weird; who ever heard of a talking mountain???).  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" they all screamed, as they bolted down the mountain as fast as lightning (well not quite that fast...), being chased by an avalanche of snow (how does that work???). God knows how they managed to escape, but they did, only feeling cold, hungry, depressed, hungry, freezing, hungry, thirsty, hungry... (I think you get the picture).  
  
"What do we do now?" asked Frog.  
  
"We have no other choice; we must face the bright and sickly lights of Mariah", replied Grandold.  
  
Everyone who knew what that meant, as in just Arson, Gimmy and Longlegs, said, "SHIT!!!"  
  
Borromemirror ('cos he hasn't spoken yet) however, asked, "What the fk is Mariah??? That's a girl's name...Are we going to visit your lover or someone???"  
  
"No, no" sighed Longlegs, "God you people are undereducated. Mariah is a massive cave thing under the dreaded mountain Carrythus. It is the ancient home of the Dafts. I expect Gimmy knows much more than I do on the subject; being a Daft himself and all, but basically, the first king of the Dafts named his kingdom Mariah, after his mistress, much to the disgust of his wife, who murdered him with a locker key (something I do frequently...I also dedicate murdering-with-lockers keys to Els and Nabs (who comes in later...)). The name was kept, however, for some unknown reason, but they probably couldn't be arsed to change it, being daft and all ("Hey", said Gimmy"). The place is all pink because the next leader was a queen, and it is very Barbie-like, so most people avoid it. The place has been ruled by queens ever since, and is not masculine at all".  
  
God he talks a lot...  
  
"Thank you for that 'brief' explanation Longlegs. Now if we could get on with the story please", hinted Arson, "I thought you didn't know much about it",  
  
"Well. Yes, but you know what I'm like when I get going, I just can't help it I love to talk..."  
  
"Thank you Longlegs", interrupted Grandold, "That will be enough. God, you lot be careful that you don't set him off talking again will you?"  
  
So, yeah, anyway, basically (that bit is dedicated to Els), they walked to the gate of Mariah, Grandold spoke the opening word- 'Gibberer' (Gibberish for 'open' obviously), and they entered Mariah.  
  
"WHOA", exclaimed all the guys who'd never entered before, while the rest just shuddered, and the habbits with the low IQs said, "Pretty" (what arses).  
  
They walked for three days (still not over the pinkness), being careful to avoid any Dafts (and also being careful not to let Gimmy see any of them, as his tongue would loll, his eyes would go funny, and he would follow after the Daft women). They were all well aware that Gollywog (formally Smellme the Habbit), the previous owner of the magic ring, and the one who Bibbo had stolen it from, was following them. He had become an extremely fat, because he had wished only for food using the ring, and was now unrecognisable as a habbit.  
  
Eventually they reached the bridge of Pink Mariah, as it was called by the Dafts. It had a carpet of bright Barbie (I disclaim Barbie by the way- I'd never want to own her...) pink fabric across it, with little ribbons, lace and sequins all over it. They all ran across it, because they were so relieved to be near the exit, with Grandold at the rear, but Mariah had not finished with them yet. They had also been followed from their second day in Mariah by a horrible creature, called a Bellrag. As if being in a cave covered in pink wasn't bad enough, they were now being followed by a large (well larger than all, but the habbits) pink (of every shade) indescribable (no wait, I am describing it...), but definitely female, creature.  
  
"Don't look at its eyes or you'll be cast under a spell of love for it", shouted Arson.  
  
But it was too late; Grandold of all people had turned round to see what was following them, and had been caught by its gaze, he was now following it back to its den, and they had no hope of getting him back. So they all continued on their way, still feeling, annoyed and depressed, and hating pink more than ever. 


	6. Lollyen

Chapter 6: Lollyen  
  
After the incident with Grandold and the Bellrag, the company were led by Arson (who did actually kind of know the way, but just couldn't be arsed to handle the pressure before; he now had no choice as the habbits had threatened him). He led them to the ancient (why is everywhere ancient???) realm of Lollyen. This was a wood full of trees with lollies growing on them (how cool!!!), and the kingdom of some of the eldest Ells, who were ruled by Killborn and Gayreel (I'llrun's mother-in-law). Anyway, they travelled to this realm, and when they entered, Sum, Pip-pop and Merrid instantly went to fetch a lolly off one of the trees.  
  
"Don't do that", said Arson, "Where are your manners? We have to be in the Lollyen Ells' good books"  
  
Just then an Ell entered, and Arson grabbed the lollies from the habbits, and handed them to the Ell.  
  
"Sorry about that. They don't have any manners (he glared at them). I'm Arson son of Yourson. Do you remember me my friend Howdare?"  
  
"Why of course old friend. I will take you to the Lord and Lady immediately; they have been expecting you"  
  
So Howdare led them through the wood that is Lollyen, right to the centre where the city 'Lolly Heaven' was. This was where the Lord and Lady dwelled, and the place where the best lollies grew. Killborn and Gayreel came to meet them and their conversation with the company consisted of one single sentence spoken by both the Lord and Lady in unison, "No need to talk; we know everything and you may stay here for as long as you need peace and rest, but not too long please, you need to rid us of The Sour One as soon as possible", and that was it.  
  
On the third night of staying in Lollyen, Frog, who was quite full of lollies, got up for no apparent reason, and went for a walk. He met the Lady Gayreel, and followed her (still for no apparent reason, but probably his nosiness) down some steps to a clearing. On a table in the middle of the clearing, stood a metal dish.  
  
"Do you wanna look into the mirror?" asked Gayreel.  
  
"Why?" replied Frog, "What will I see?"  
  
"I dunno. I just thought that as you're really nosy, you might want to"  
  
"Okay then", decided Frog at last.  
  
So Gayreel filled the mirror with white wine (?!), and stood back to allow Frog to stand in front of it. Frog walked up and bent his head to look into it. The white wine swirled, and changed into a picture. It was like watching a movie, as it moved, and the voices of the people could be heard.  
  
This is what he saw- Nabala the parrot (the one who rescued Grandold remember- no of course you don't...) flying, no wait running, 'cos she's a dumbarse, away from a bomb exploding in WGGS (my school- don't ask) saying, "Where's my tissue...evil git, evil git...Where's my tissue? Where's my tissue" (she has hay fever).  
  
The picture then changed to Nabala shagging a wonky bird (any old bird that flies upside-down- dedicated to my insane friend Dale, and also Els, who took part in our insaneness in art).  
  
"I've got tissues" said the wonky bird.  
  
"What a turn on" sighed Nabala.  
  
"Want to come back to mine for some tissues" etc. etc.  
  
The picture changed again. This time it was Nabala and the wonky bird's wedding. Then it changed to their little half parrot, half wonky bird, babies (basically a parrot that flies upside-down). As each one was born, it would scream, "I LOVE TISSUES", and fly upside-down, off the tree and onto the ground screaming, "NNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAA".  
  
Nabala the parrot was created to piss off my good friend Nabeelah (it has succeeded to do so). She has a parrot herself, who is a psycho. I dedicate Nabala the parrot to Nabs.  
  
"WHAT THE FK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH THIS STORY" SCREAMED Frog, "GET ON WITH IT GOD DAMN YOU!!!"  
  
"Okay, okay, but I told you that I have no control over this damned mirror", replied Gayreel, and checking her pizza-clock watch (dedicated to...me -not being up myself or anything- and also Els and Dale again as pizza-clocks were created in the same art lesson as wonky birds...) and taking off a piece of it to eat, she added, "You really should buy one of these things you know. Now off to bed with you" (kwtschh).  
  
Finally, the company were ready to leave. They were given parting gifts by Gayreel, to help them with their quest. She gave Sum, Pip-pop and Merrid a large supply of non-melting lollies each, Longlegs and Borromemirror keen Ellish knives, Gimmy a piece of one of her nails that she had cut off (he fancied her, and was desperate to have any piece of her possible. It would have been more logical to have a strand of hair instead. I wonder where I got that idea from...), and to Arson she gave a new shirt, as his was a bit dirty, telling him that she had nothing greater to give than the gift he already wore, but he could at least have a clean top, (Amen had given him her special ring, the Evermine, to symbolize the passionate love the two shared for each other). Lastly, to Frog she gave a test-tube with a stopper in the top and a strange liquid inside. This was the liquid of the star of Edill, I'llrun's father, the most hated, but useful star of the Ells, but never told him what to do with it...  
  
Gayreel and Killborn also provided boats (as the company were to travel by the River Andowe for the next stage of their journey), special coats which did nothing in particular, except change to suit the temperature the wearer wanted to feel, and a large supply of Lemonass (Ellish cakes. One single cake would sustain them for a whole 15 seconds). So they set off along the river thinking of the journey behind and ahead, wishing that they were going any place other than where they were headed. 


	7. The end of a homosexual

A lot of this chapter was written by Els, as we wrote it when we were bored on holiday...  
  
Chapter 7: The end of a homosexual  
  
They spent about a fortnight sailing down the river Andowe, stopping on the bank once a day to rest and sleep. Gollywog was still following them, this time on a log.  
  
When they reached the bank which was opposite the bank that leads to the Rocky Place, they stopped for a company council. It was decided that Frog, Arson, Longlegs and Sum would continue to travel to Baceezer, and Borromemirror, Gimmy, Pip-pop and Merrid would go to Borromemirror's city Beeror to get the pool of beer ready (don't ask me how they intended to get The Sour One from Baceezer to Beeror- I'm only the narrator you know). But like all crappy stories nothing goes according to plan...  
  
Frog had pissed off because he was a sensistive bastard and so the ring was seducing him into climbing a random rock that has no significance what so ever...except that it had some weird statue things...and this still has noooooooooo significance, and I'm rambling, and Frog is being up himself and wanting me to get on with the story, so I will shut up now, but not because of him glares at Frog...  
  
Frog looked up and said, "Hey! I heard that!!! I am taller than you, you know...even though you're invisible and stuff..."  
  
"HYPOCRITE!!!" I (the narrator) shouted.  
  
Anyway, Borromemirror (hereafter known as 'Borroz', 'cos it takes too long to write his name...) turned up for no reason carrying a flower (because he's sad or maybe gay...TIPP TIPP!!!- check a German dictionary...nah don't bother it means 'HINT HINT'), and grabbed Frog and snogged him. Frog pulled away (not quite immediately...) yelling, "Hello!!! SEXUAL ASSAULT here!!! And this is not happening- he's supposed to be straight. STOP NIBBLING MY EAR!!!" he slapped Borroz and carried on having a go at him to waste space.  
  
"I thought I'd come out and tell you before I get killed by the U-R-High" explained Borroz to a blank faced Frog (what is with these characters predicting everything that's going to happen in this spoof thingy- AGAIN???!!!) "I had to get to you before Sum did, even though he fancies Rozzin (yes a GIRL) the Habbit too...I think he's a bisexual (or bicycle...)...anyway...you know I'm better than him"  
  
"YOU'RE ALL GAY!!!" Frog yelled.  
  
"I know. I told you, and HEY so are you..." Borroz said patiently  
  
The U-R-High waited for Frog to finish digesting this (he really didn't want to be a two-timer- sorry did I write that (Els wrote that bit- no idea what it means either, but probably that Frog didn't want to go out with both Sum and Borroz or something...just ask her...)???) and then started shooting arrows at Borroz, as U-R-High are all homophobes (don't ask why they didn't shoot Frog), and skanky, and high (literally...).  
  
Anyway, everyone had suddenly realised Borroz and Frog were missing, and went off looking for them, yelling their names randomly and feeling pissed off because they really couldn't be arsed to move.  
  
"I mean for fks sake" Arson complained, "I could be gazing fitly and stuff, but nooooooo, we have to look for all these gay guys. And I should also be shagging Amen, and speaking Gibberish sexily, and-"  
  
"Shut the fk up" Longlegs said irritably "I'm better at gazing fitly, you're just old, and-"  
  
"HYPOCRITE!!!" Merrid yelled (not actually knowing what it meant, but amazingly saying it at the right time)  
  
"Concentrate on the story here. They may be gay, but we need them...I think..." said Gimmy.  
  
"I need them" Sum said, wistfully, in one of his gay (well at least bicycle) moments confirming everyone's suspicions.  
  
Everyone edged away from him. Merrid and Pip-pop pissed off and found Borroz being, like, killed, by U-R-High. He had been fighting them, but was so hurt by Frog's rejection of him, that he was practically committing suicide to make everyone feel guilty.  
  
"Come on you U-R-dweebs. Is that your best shot? Come on if you think your hard enough" Borroz shouted, and the U-R-High fired more arrows at him (he was already covered with them).  
  
"Borroz!" Pip-pop yelled, "Why are there loads of arrows in you?"  
  
Borroz stuck up his middle finger with one hand and pointed at the U-R-High with the other. Pip-pop looked at the skanky U-R-High.  
  
"Oh. Are they like evil then or something?" he asked stupidly.  
  
Merrid looked at him, "You know" he said in disbelief, "Sometimes you're even more of a dumbarse than me"  
  
Borroz rolled his eyes, and once again there was a request for me to stop rambling. So I did...finally...even though Merrid and Pip-pop are being arses and rambling too...anyway...  
  
Borroz cleared his throat as the fiftieth arrow pierced his arm, and did his crappy dying speech.  
  
"Firstly, you're all bastards. Especially Frog, who is supposed to fancy me back, I mean god, I am so better than Sum- I have muscles!"  
  
"GET ON WITH IT!!!" everyone in this weird story yelled, not being original or anything, but who gives a shit???  
  
Borroz continued (ignoring the last comments), "And I hate my dad as he's never accepted my sexuality, and my 'ickle brother's an arse, he's almost as gay as me, even though he's going to marry a woman (predicting the future AGAIN). And you all suck, and I'm a transsexual, but anyway...Look, can you U-R-High guys shoot these arrows a bit faster? I'm rambling here...No you pervy High-dweeb thingy, don't shag me- I'm not that desperate, and I'm dying. And you'd be a necrophile if you did that once I'm dead, so ner-" he stopped for a second as the pervy U-R-High gave him a nosebleed for being so pissy, and then attempted to kill him as quickly as possible (and failed as you can't kill a Min with a foam javelin),. Arson turned up at last so he could have a death-bed chat with Borroz.  
  
"How are you feeling?" he asked.  
  
Again the middle finger rose..."You bastard! You didn't shag me either, you're too caught up in Amen to notice me, and I'm running out of breath here, but you'll be a crap king of my city, no wait it'll be your city, but I love you anyway" said Borroz, and then he died.  
  
"Really lovely chap" said Arson sarcastically.  
  
Merrid and Pip-pop were captured by the U-R-High, Arson and Longlegs pissed off after them, and Frog, Sum and Gimmy buggered off to Baceezer to finish off this ever failing quest. 


	8. Reunited on a search

Chapter 8- Reunited on a search  
  
Longlegs and Arson had now been tracking the U-R-High, Merrid and Pip-pop for three days and were, quite obviously, not enjoying the experience.  
  
"Look, our part in this story is to look fit so that all the girls will read it, not to chase after High-dweebs, that have run off with two of the dumb tall guys, whose names I can't even remember, this is so pissy. And-" complained Longlegs, who was interrupted by Arson.  
  
"Longlegs, you're right and I dunno what their called either, but will you please shut up, I'm trying to look gorgeous while listening to the ground here"  
  
"Yeah, but you're going deaf in your sort of old age. Let me gaze into the distance with my immortal eyes instead"  
  
As he did, he spotted what he thought to be the U-R-High about three miles ahead, and they continued to run after them getting more and more suicidal by the second.  
  
Eventually they decided enough was enough and they stopped for a rest. This, of course, was disturbed. A nearby bush rustled; there was a thud, and then a scream. Without thinking Arson and Longlegs rushed to see what it was. How thick do you get??? I mean, they could have been killed or summin'.  
  
"Oooooooooo, look Arson, I think it's knocked out", remarked Longlegs, as he knelt down to take a closer look at the lump.  
  
"Oh fk!" exclaimed Arson, "Me thinks our very old friend has returned from his lover's clutches in the land of pink"  
  
"But that's good isn't it?"  
  
"No, because no I can't show off my brill' navigating skills anymore"  
  
Longlegs let out a series of coughs, which sounded suspiciously like 'What navigating skills?'  
  
"Too right Longlegs" grunted the lump, which was indeed Grandold the Wizzy, "Arson, you are completely useless at finding the way to your arse, never mind the U-R-High. My friends the trees, don't laugh Longlegs, the trees are not my only friends. Stop saying 'ahem'! Now, the trees tell me that you two started running after the Highs with Arson leading only five minutes after they left, and three days later you are still no closer to catching them, and I'm afraid you never will"  
  
"And why's that?" asked Arson.  
  
"Because my so-called friend, I am taking you to the land of Rowham, where King Thedid (pronounced with a strong 'th' like in 'thing', so- 'thee-did') needs help killing the rest of the Highs, and also because his son Oweme killed them all single-handedly two days ago"  
  
"How come I spotted them three miles ahead when I gazed into the distance then?" asked Longlegs.  
  
Grandold rolled his eyes, "Let's just say that Longfeared and his brother Reallyweird were out on the hill when you spotted what you thought were the U-R-High"  
  
"Oh" replied Longlegs.  
  
"Anyway that's not fair I wanted to kill them, no woman can resist me when I'm in a brutal mood, ("Ahem", said Grandold) and I wanted to brag to Amen on the phone. Why do Wizzys always have to be shitheads, who disappear and return ten times a day, can walk for hours without stopping and think they're the experts on relationships?"  
  
"My dear friends, surely you don't think I'm that evil? Don't say it! I got us all horses from my Bellrag lover, when I told her I was going to get some flowers for her and I'd need three horses to carry them all. That's how I escaped, thanks for asking how I am after my scary ordeal. I shudder at the memory"  
  
"Shuddup Grandold, demanded Arson, "God, you talk nearly as much as Longlegs sometimes. Let's go now and get this shit over with"  
  
And with that they mounted their horses and rode with full speed towards the land of Rowham (not said 'row-ham', but 'rowum'), another dwelling of Min, where they have a large lake full of boats. Wow, that almost sounded like a gripping, timeless fantasy adventure at the beginning of this paragraph, as opposed to a crappy parody thingy.  
  
It took them another two days to reach Rowham, mainly because Arson and Longlegs had started a very boring argument over who was the fittest.  
  
"I am" claimed Arson.  
  
"No, I am" said Longlegs.  
  
"But you haven't got a girlfriend"  
  
"But I've had more than you in my life"  
  
"But they all dumped you after about a day, and anyway you've lived longer"  
  
And on and on it went, and you get the picture. So, like, where were we?  
  
"I think, we might, quite possibly, have just arrived in Rowham" said Grandold sarcastically (even though they had...) and slowly.  
  
Yep, thanks (you arse). They rode up to the gates, which marked the entrance to Rowham's main (and only) city. Arson knocked, and then just barged in anyway. No-one was there to guard the other side, and the streets were unusually silent, because everyone had stopped to stare at them. The three of them crept up the hill to the great Hall of Boats, the King and his family's kind of palace. When they reached it, two guards crossed their spears to block the entrance.  
  
"What brings you to Thedid, King of Rowham?" asked guard one.  
  
"Well, he called me on his mobile to ask for help to destroy the U-R-High, so as you can see I have brought help", replied Grandold.  
  
The two guards burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funning?" demanded Arson.  
  
"We're sorry" replied guard two, "It's just that one Wizzy, a Min and an Ell aren't much use for killing off hundreds and thousands of U-R-High"  
  
Arson unsheathed his sword. Longlegs placed a hand on his shoulder, "Arson, if you're gonna kill 'im, at least do it during the battle so it looks like the Highs did it. For fks sake man, where're ya brains?" he said.  
  
Arson pushed Longlegs' hand off his shoulder, and returned his sword to its scabbard.  
  
"That's better. Now can we please go in?" asked Grandold.  
  
"Okay, okay, go on then", said one of the guards (does it really make a bloody difference which???).  
  
They entered a large hall, which had a long red carpet leading to three thrones. The middle one was taller than the other two, and in it sat an old man. He was wearing a golden crown, and to his right sat a young man and to his left sat a young woman. The man was his son Oweme, and was tall with long, wavy blonde hair. The woman was his daughter Eywin, who was also tall, but with longer hair, which lay loose about her shoulders. She was wearing a medieval dress with a very tight corset. The three companions approached the throne and bowed.  
  
"Oh Grandold, You've come at last" said Thedid, "Where's the large army you've assembled then? My chief counsellor, Grimy So-and-So, has run off to his master Shaguman, the bastardly spy, and I could do with some cheering up"  
  
"They're right here before you" replied Grandold, surprisingly calmly under the circumstances.  
  
Thedid and Oweme looked from Grandold, to Arson, to Longlegs, with a look of absolute bewilderment.  
  
"But Grandold, there's only three of you" pointed out Oweme.  
  
"Yep, and a very strong three too. Let me introduce Arson son of Yourson, heir to the throne of Beeror and captain of the Dundinners. This here is Longlegs, son of Thragill King of Muddywood, making Longlegs a prince. They're both powerful warriors, and of course you have me. What more could you want?"  
  
"A large army of strong and intelligent warriors perhaps" muttered Oweme.  
  
"Well at least two of them are fit" said Eywin, who had been eyeing up Arson and Longlegs, "Shall I show them to their rooms dad?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I need to think in peace anyway. Oweme, you go and keep guard on the city with the rest of the Rowmard"  
  
"Okay dad", he replied.  
  
Eywin led Grandold, Arson and Longlegs to their rooms, and then went into Arson's room to flirt with him. She closed the door, stated kissing him passionately and ripping off his shirt.  
  
"WHAT THE FK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" he yelled.  
  
"What does it look like?"  
  
"Eywin, I'm very flattered, but you do realise I've got a girlfriend?"  
  
Eywin looked like she'd just lost her winning lottery ticket (even though there's no lottery in In-Betweeny-Place).  
  
"No, I didn't. Who is she?"  
  
"Amen, I'llrun, Lord of Riverhell's daughter"  
  
"Well I see you're aiming high, but can't you dump her, you know I'm better in bed"  
  
"Look, that was years ago, when I was young. I've moved on, and you are not a better at making out than Amen, and I dunno how you'd know anyway. I'm not dumping her, because I love her, and I never loved you- I just wanted some practise and you were pretty good"  
  
"You bastard! I hate you! But will you fk me anyway???"  
  
Arson opened the door.  
  
"You may leave. Oh, and Eywin, Longlegs is free if your desperate to get laid tonight"  
  
"It's you I wanted, but what the fk? Everyone knows I'm a slut, so I might as well live up to it"  
  
And with that she shut the door and ran to Longlegs, who looked like all his birthdays had come at once.  
  
"Eywin, you look soooooooo sexy. If there's anyone I'd want to lose my cherry to it's you"  
  
Eywin burst into a fit of laughter, "You're a virgin?" she giggled.  
  
"No, of course not" said Longlegs quickly; only just realising what he had said.  
  
"Oh-my-God! You are!"  
  
"Look Eywin, ells aren't meant to before marriage, so will you marry me?"  
  
"Yeah, right. And anyway how come Amen's shagged Arson then?"  
  
"Yeah, well, she's only half Ell, and she can do it once she's engaged"  
  
"Arson and Amen are engaged?"  
  
"Well no, but anyway, you can have me"  
  
"You keep contradicting yourself, and I'm not sleeping with a virgin so I'm going now, goodbye Longlegs"  
  
Eywin shut the door and left Longlegs weeping. What a freak.  
  
Anyway, Thedid and Grandold decided to take Arson, Longlegs, Oweme and the strongest min of Rowham, and go and kill all the U-R-High on the field outside Iregard, the place where he lives in his tower Othank. 


	9. Leaving the Highs and joining the Inks

Chapter 9- Leaving the Highs and joining the Inks  
  
We will now go back in time to that day when the company was split, to see what happened to Merrid and Pip-pop...  
  
The U-R-High approached the two of them, with a look of pure evil (or was in glee???) in their eyes, and they grabbed Merrid and Pip-pop, who had just stared blankly at them.  
  
"Cool, now we don't have to walk anymore" said Pip-pop.  
  
Merrid sighed, and thought about how weird it felt to be the cleverest person in the group (his IQ was getting higher) for once.  
  
"Pip-pop" he sighed again, "This is not cool. These U-R-High people have captured us and we will probably be killed...AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I don't wanna die! I'm too young to die! SOMEONE SAVE US!!!"  
  
"Merrid, do you think we'll go to Heaven? It sounds like fun. I don't want to go to Hell; it's too hot. If we go to Heaven we might meet God and I can finally get his autograph"  
  
"Shut up Pip-pop. You can't get God's autograph, 'cos he's not an actual person"  
  
"Is too"  
  
"Is not"  
  
"Is too"  
  
"Is not"  
  
"Is too"  
  
Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.  
  
God this is sooooooooooo boring, can something interesting please happen?  
  
So the U-R-High ran, carrying the two habbits (quite an achievement considering their size), for hours and hours. When they finally stopped, the Highs threw down the habbits, and immediately started an argument over what was to be eaten for supper.  
  
"I think we should have the legs off those bloody habbits; they're so heavy to carry and it might lighten the load a bit"  
  
"No. Our master Shaguman said they were not to be harmed"  
  
"But they look so fat and meaty. Can't we just have their arms then? They don't really need those"  
  
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??? They are to be brought to our master alive and uneaten. Those were the orders, and if you break them; I'll kill you, understand?"  
  
"Okay, okay. I'll go and kill some rabbits (animal abuse...veggie here...) or something for us to eat"  
  
The next day, the Highs continued to run back to Iregard, but this did not go as planned. They were found by Oweme son of Thedid, chief of the Rowmard, and a mighty warrior. He slaughtered all the Highs, which enabled Merrid and Pip-pop to escape into the forest. This forest was the creepy Fannyhorn; a darkish place inhabited by the Inks.  
  
As Merrid and Pip-pop ran through the forest singing "We escaped, we escaped, we escaped" to the tune of 'Here we go', they spotted two large, black blobs of something.  
  
"What're those squidgy, black, blobby things?" asked Pip-pop.  
  
"How do I know?" replied Merrid, "Actually, I think my daddy told me about things that looked like that once. He said that in a forest called Fanny something or other, there lived massive blobs of ink called Inks (so clever...), and that they would use any excuse to go to war"  
  
"They sound scary. Let's go and talk to them" said Pip-pop illogically, as per usual.  
  
The two habbits walked through the forest to the clearing where the Inks stood. As they approached them, the Inks turned to face Merrid and Pip- pop.  
  
"And what can we do for you young tall ones?" asked the first Ink.  
  
"I'm not sure if you'd be interested Mr. Ink sir, but maybe you could help us destroy Shaguman the Bastard and his army of U-R-High, if there're any of them left. You know, the famous evil wizzy" replied Merrid.  
  
"And why would we want to do that?" questioned the second Ink.  
  
"Because you love war, and Shaguman probably wants to destroy you and all the other Inks eventually" said Merrid.  
  
"And because he's really horrible; he captured Grandold, but Grandold escaped, his U-R-High killed Borromemirror and then captured us" put in Pip- pop.  
  
Merrid looked totally shocked that Pip-pop knew all this information, but then changed his expression as he realised that he'd told Pip-pop all this as they'd entered Fannyhorn.  
  
"Okay, we'll do it" said the first Ink, "By the way I'm Longfeared, the leader of the Inks, and this is my brother Reallyweird"  
  
Merrid and Pip-pop stayed at the Inks' house overnight, and then Longfeared and Reallyweird went out into the field or whatever it is outside the forest to assemble the Inks (that was when Longlegs mistook them for the Highs- what an arse, can you see any resemblance between U-R-High and giant blobs of Ink???), and don't ask me why they didn't just do this in the forest. The Inks arrived quickly, and everyone marched off to Iregard.  
  
They destroyed all the grounds and the U-R-High that were present, but no- one could get into the tower of Othank.  
  
"He must have bewitched it" decided Longfeared, "He is a wizzy after all. We'll have to wait for Grandold to come as he's the only other wizzy I know" 


	10. The end of an army

Chapter 10- The end of an army  
  
Thedid, Grandold, Arson, Longlegs, Oweme and their army of men from Rowham, marched towards the field surrounding Iregard and Othank. It was only a 'short' three hour march to reach it.  
  
When they arrived the U-R-High were waiting for them, and behind the Highs were the Inks with Merrid and Pip-pop.  
  
"We've destroyed the grounds of Iregard and all the U-R-High within, but we couldn't do anything to the tower of Othank, and now all these Highs have come out from it" replied Longfeared.  
  
"Okay then lets kill 'em" shouted Grandold.  
  
"YEAH" roared his army (God they sound like bloody lions).  
  
"Hey this isn't fair" pointed the U-R-High leader (his name was Hyah), "There's two armies against one"  
  
"What's your point?" asked Longlegs, "You can't decide which army to make out with? I mean, come on, I know nearly everyone in this story is either gay or a bisexual (otherwise known as a bicycle), but this is going a bit too far"  
  
"What's wrong with being a bicycle? Are you a homophobe (no you arse...that's for gay people...) or summink?"  
  
"No, but I am a bicyclephobe"  
  
"Longlegs please shut up" interrupted Arson, "Do you ever stop talking or having pointless arguments? And by the way bicyclephobe isn't a word"  
  
"Look are we gonna have the battle or what?" asked Oweme, "Because I really would like to get back home as quickly as possible so I can meet the love of my life"  
  
"Oweme, no one is ever going to fall in love with an arsehole like you. Thedid don't look at me like that; it's the truth" replied Grandold, "Okay then, on the count of three. ONE...TWO...THREE...CHARGE"  
  
As the Rowham lot started killing the Highs from the front, and the Inks killed the Highs from behind, Merrid and Pip-pop ran off screaming, "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!! WHY US???!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!"  
  
They reached Iregard and hid behind a large rock. Such brave soldiers, really into this fighting stuff...bless 'em.  
  
Back on the battle field, the good guys (as in the Highs) were losing (wait, did I really say that? Must have been a slip of the tongue, or maybe it's because I am developing a deep loathing of Longlegs' ever worsening weird comments, arguments, movements...just him in general...). As I was saying the Highs were doing very badly. This was mainly due to the fact that there were only fifty of them (sorry did I make it sound like there were thousands?) and there were about 1000 Rowham fighters (including Grandold and co.) and Inks in total.  
  
This battle lasted a record braking five minutes, and as not much happened, and none of the good guys died, there is no point telling you about it bit by bit, from the first executed High head to the last cut off High arm.  
  
The two armies left the bodies of the Highs on a bonfire, and marched up to the tower of Othank (Arson and Longlegs grabbed Merrid and Pip-pop on the way).  
  
"Now remember everyone" said Grandold as he knocked on the door of Othank, "Don't let Shaguman talk you into worshiping him, he's a bastard, he really is"  
  
"What do you want?" shouted a voice.  
  
"Fk you. We're here to talk to Shaguman the Bastard, go and tell him to come down here Grimy So-and-so, or I'll fire his arse off"  
  
"I'll give you Grimy So-and-so" muttered Grimy (who was really called Gri- man and hated his nickname), but he went and fetched his master anyway.  
  
"Why Grandold, how marvellous to see you" lied Shaguman, opening the door.  
  
"Yeah, must be. Great to see you too. I really love you man" replied Grandold sarcastically, "Thanks for trying to kill me, I appreciate it, I really do"  
  
"Now, now, Grandold. You know I had my reasons"  
  
"Fk you. I've never liked you. Stop sucking-up to me for fks sake you fking bastard"  
  
"No need to use that kind of language" said Shaguman, looking slightly unnerved, while everyone else looked impressed. He then noticed Merrid and Pip-pop, who were looking worried. "Is one of these two dumbarse habbits over there the one with the ring" he asked, and turned to face them, (to Merrid and Pip-pop in spooky voice) "You will worship me, you must worship me, you will do everything I say"  
  
"Nah" they said, "We really can't be arsed, and your too arsey you bastard, weird annoying guy. We're too stupid to be under your control, so neh"  
  
Everyone except Shaguman and Grimy (and Merrid and Pip-pop obviously) started laughing, and then launched an assault on the two bad guys. They shot them, stabbed them, kicked them where it hurts, and everything. The two bodies were abused (not sexually) for hours after they were actually dead.  
  
Eventually the good lot (not including the Inks) marched off to continue on their journey to Beeror. 


	11. A knocked up Ell

Chapter 11- A knocked up Ell  
  
As they travelled the next day, Arson's phone started ringing.  
  
"Hello"  
  
"Hiya Honey, it's me"  
  
"What's up Amen Babes?"  
  
"Erm...I dunno how to tell you this, but erm..."  
  
"Amen you're scaring me, what is it?"  
  
"Well, you know how we spent a lot of time together while you were in Riverhell?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"It's just that, well..."  
  
"Out with it hun"  
  
"I'm pregnant"  
  
"WHAT!!!"  
  
"I'm sorry hun. Your cover-up must have split"  
  
"Babes, I'm so sorry. I must come back to you now"  
  
"NO, my dad will kill you. He's completely flipped when I told him"  
  
"Dammit Amen, you ruined my excuse to get out of here"  
  
"Honey shut up. I'm going to fly to you in my private jet (?!)"  
  
"Okay babes. We're a few miles south of Iregard"  
  
"I'll see you there hun"  
  
"See you babe"  
  
"Love you"  
  
"Love you too, bye"  
  
Arson turned to face the company, "Err.........well just to let you know, I kinda knocked up Amen, and now she's coming to join us"  
  
"YOU BASTARD!!!" shouted Eywin, who had just joined them from Rowham because she was obsessed with fighting"  
  
"Look honey, you and Arson broke up a long time ago, there's no need to talk to him like that" said her father Thedid.  
  
"Yeah sis" jeered Oweme, "He has his family to think of now, so don't try to get back with him again"  
  
Eywin walked up to Arson just as Amen arrived in her private jet. Eywin looked Arson in the eye, and started kissing him.  
  
"Whoa there" he exclaimed, pushing her away and then running to meet Amen.  
  
"Hey babes, are you okay?"  
  
"I'll live" she replied, and then burst into tears.  
  
"Don't cry honey. I'm here for you now" said Arson, hugging her.  
  
"Does this mean you'll go out with me now?" Longlegs asked Eywin.  
  
"In your dreams" Eywin, Thedid and Oweme chorused.  
  
"Fine then"  
  
They all continued on their way to Beeror, Amen and Arson at the rear. They had their arms round each other, and Amen was still sobbing.  
  
"Babes, it'll be okay, I know it will. Your father should take us seriously now; we have a baby to think about"  
  
"Good lord" muttered Grandold to himself, "So Arson can be the caring, loving, husbandly type"  
  
"Just because your preggers doesn't mean we have to stop making out does it? I mean I couldn't cope without shagging for like 6 months, we can still do it right?"  
  
"Spoke too soon" muttered Grandold.  
  
"You silly thing. Why shouldn't we make out? I couldn't cope for that long either. If we did stop it would be four more months, it's been five months since you were last in Riverhell"  
  
"Bloody hell! That's why you're so big. Four more months and we'll have a baby to look after. God that's scary. Fk!"  
  
"I thought you were alright with us becoming parents. I thought you said you'd love me no matter what" sobbed Amen.  
  
"Babes please don't start crying again. I do love you its just fking scary that's all. You forgive me?"  
  
"'course. I love you Arson son of Yourson"  
  
"I love you too babes"  
  
I don't know whether this is sick or sweet, but whatever I think the company continued to walk for two more days before anything significant happening (unless you decide to count Pip-pop discovering he had earwax...). They had stopped for lunch and Arson and Amen were sitting together a short distance from the rest of the group.  
  
"Babes, Amen sweetie, I need to ask you something"  
  
"What is it darling?"  
  
"If you stand up I'll tell yeh"  
  
"Okay then"  
  
Amen stood up, as she did Arson got onto one knee, placed one hand in one of hers, the other with her other on her stomach underneath her top, and looked up seriously into her eyes...how romantic...I think...whatever...  
  
"Amen, I've loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you, and I will love our baby too. We need to prove to your father that we are serious about being a family, so honey, babes, Amen sweetie, will you marry me?"  
  
"Yes, yes, yes!" she screamed, pulling him up and kissing him passionately.  
  
The whole company, who had been listening intently, gasped.  
  
"Okay, okay. Don't kill him; he's not worth it, don't kill him..." said Eywin, and then fainted.  
  
"Well, well, well" said Grandold to Arson, who was kissing his fiancée's tummy, "I never thought I'd see the day when you decided to take a seriously big step and propose. Congratulations you two. I really think you were made for each other"  
  
"I thought we were made because our parents shagged, but hey, whatever. Now fk off Grandold and leave us alone, no offence mate" replied Arson, and Amen giggled and kissed him.  
  
So Arson and Amen walked off to find a private place to shag, while the rest of the company rested.  
  
We now leave this company for a while and go and see what's been happening to Frog, Sum, Gimmy, and that strange creature Gollywog... 


	12. Three to Four

Sorry I haven't updated for ages, but I started this chapter and then, being me, couldn't be arsed to finish it...  
  
Chapter 12- Three to Four  
  
"I HATE YOU" Sum shouted out of nowhere, no correction- out of his arse; the origin of his speech...anyway...  
  
"What the fk??? Stop being gay Sum ("Hypocrite", muttered Gimmy). It's only a load of rocks. We'll find a way out soon (cough from Gimmy). If you wanna blame someone blame Gimmy...or yourself...or anyone who ain't me really...Why does everyone always pick on me? What I do??? Hey??? Tell me???" blabbered Frog, then, suddenly realizing he was alone, "Hey! Where'd everyone go? Why does this always happen to me? I hate life. Life is shitty. It sucks"  
  
"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP GAYNESS!" screamed a voice.  
  
"What the fk?" said Frog, jumping.  
  
"It talks too much gayness. It hurts our earses. It annoys us gayness" said the voice, stepping out from behind a rock. It was Gollywog the weird ex-habbit, ring-owner thing or whatever. How am I meant to know who he is? I mean GOD, I only wrote this damned story for fks sake. By the way I dedicate Gollywog to Dale (how many things are dedicated to her now- anyone know???), love you girl...not in that way peeps...And also I only write 'fuck' as 'fk' because the asterisks look pretty (have I mentioned this before? Man, I'm useless...). I'm not afraid to write 'fuck' for fucks sake. Anyway on with this crap...  
  
"Who the fk are you?" asked Frog, not very polite is he? Habbits- no manners between the lot of them, honestly what is this world coming too (wait, In-Betweeny-Place doesn't exist- never mind then)?  
  
"It doesn't know who we is gayness. It's stupid gayness. It doesn't know what we want gayness" said Gollywog (he actually went on like this for ages, but I think you get the picture...)  
  
"Okay, okay, enough, I get the fking message. No need to go on about it you arsey thing. Just tell me who and what the fking hell you are, and be done with it"  
  
"It's rude to us gayness, nasty tall habbit. We doesn't remember who we is gayness (anyone else see a slight contradiction here? Some random creatures, GOD, honestly. They have a go at you for not knowing who they are, and then don't even know themselves.......). Stupid habbit is mean to us. Rude to poor, poor Gollywog" (By then way I disclaim the style of Gollywog's speech, because it belong to Tolkien, and Tolkien alone...well some of it's taken from the films, but anyway, who actually gives a fk???)  
  
"What the fk is going on? And (seeing Gollywog) who the fk is he? Is it a he?" panted Gimmy.  
  
"Yeah" said Sum- making a great contribution as always.  
  
Gimmy and Sum had run back to see what was happening, because they had become fed up of waiting for him.  
  
"How am I meant to know what's going on? I dunno what this thing is- he won't tell me, and he doesn't even know himself anyway. You guys are so gay (cough sounding suspiciously like 'hypocrite' from Gimmy), why'd you go, you suck. For fks sake, why'd I get stuck with shitty arses like you anyway? Why didn't Grandold and I'llrun find some intelligent people to help me?"  
  
"What like you?" said Gimmy sarcastically.  
  
"As a matter of fact, yes (modest as always). If he'd found some clever peeps I wouldn't be stuck in such a fking mess with you shitwipes (word dedicated and courtesy of Dale...again)"  
  
"SHUT UP GAYNESS!!!" screamed Gollywog suddenly, "Why doesn't stupid tall habbit ever stop blabbering gayness? No consideration for poor Gollywog. Why doesn't it tell us what's going on and then leave us alone, gayness?"  
  
"What the hell are you?" asked Sum- ignoring and oblivious to the fact that this has been established, like, three times or summin, but hey low IQ...  
  
"I DOESN'T KNOW GAYNESS. SHUT UP GAYNESS. TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW OR GOLLYWOG WILL HUNT YOU FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER"  
  
"Okay, calm down" said Frog, "Look I'll tell you as much as I can be arsed and wish to tell you if you promise to get us out of this pile of rocks, and then lead us to Baceezer"  
  
"Baceezer?" questioned Gollywog, confused, "Why does it want to go there, gayness? That's where The Sour One lives gayness. Not where we wants to go. Gollywog can't lead nasty Habbits and Dafty there. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... (Gimmy kicked him). Stupid fat Daft, what has Gollywog ever done to him ("Existed" muttered Gimmy- God he mutters a lot, honestly...)? Gollywog will lead habbitses and Daft to Drunkard land. Golliwog will show daft"  
  
"Ta" said Frog casually, "Do lead on. (Then quietly to Gimmy and Sum) Sucker"  
  
So Gollywog led them through the load of rocks - called 'Rocky Place'- (I know, so inspiring, but hey I'm lazy...) for he knew it well and liked to look important (it also gave him something to do).  
  
Eventually he led them out of the rocks and ahead of them the site wasn't much better.  
  
"Oh fk!!!" shouted Gimmy and Frog, while Sum just looked confused.  
  
"Err, where are we?" he asked, but was ignored.  
  
"Wussy habbitses and Daft" said Gollywog to himself, "Gollywog will lead them through, but danger is very big and we wants our gayness back, gayness" 


	13. Pinstrpies and Marshes

Wow another chapter- I'm becoming efficient again...  
  
Chapter 13- Pinstripes and Marshes  
  
"Where the fk are we?" questioned Frog, getting more agitated by the second.  
  
"Is stupid tall habbit scared, gayness? Is it frightened of marshmen?" hissed Gollywog.  
  
"Will you stop calling me 'stupid tall habbit' for fks sake. Just 'cos you're fat and ugly, doesn't mean you have to insult me. I mean, it's your fault you're fat anyway- if you hadn't wished for so much grub using the ring, then you'd still look like a habbit, instead of a fat lump. What's your problem anyway? You on something or did you forget to take something. I mean-"  
  
"SHUT THE FK UP FROG!!!" yelled Gimmy, "You're boring everyone. No-one gives a shit, what's your damage?"  
  
"Why me? Always me. Why does everyone hate me?" moaned Frog (anyone else think we've been here before? Serious déjà vu here...).  
  
Oh by the way, seeing as I've forgotten to tell you why Frog and co are pissed off about where they are, I betta do the whole description thing...here goes...  
  
Ahead of the company was a marsh, but not just any old marsh, no (taking the piss here...clichédness...), it was covered in love things wandering about like zombies (except they weren't dead) - the marshmen Gollywog mentioned before. So basically, they were in deep shit...  
  
"When you've finished your gayness Frog" hinted Gimmy.  
  
"Just 'cos you're a homophobe" replied Frog, not taking the hint and starting to walk across the marshes (finally- lazy people) still talking, "Look will you guys hurry up, Gollywog, can I call you Golly? It takes too long to say your full name, and can you do your job and lead us today please?"  
  
"Nasty habbit. Wants to call us Golly, but it doesn't deserve the privilege, gayness. Gollywog will lead, but habbitses and Daft mustn't want us to protect them from marshmenses"  
  
Just then the marshmen started having a cabbage fight (this idea comes from my lil brother's friend, Jay, who hates the fact that I've put this in, and also hates me, but do I give a fk? No not really...), and started calling each other 'monkey losers' (also from jay, who is now going to kill me...goodbye...wait I'm not dying...Hi again...). Don't ask me why there are cabbages in a marsh, and they're calling each other 'monkeys', but any complaints see Jay (he lives across the road from me in central Watford, England...DON'T STALK ME....). The poor cabbages were screaming in protest (this idea comes from my lil bro Joel (so desperate to get an idea of his in this story...bless), who is currently hitting me with pillows...don't you just love him???  
  
"WHAT THE FK???" screamed everyone really, "Why is this story so gay???"  
  
Well people, maybe because I'm insane, and also 'cos Frog's gay obviously. Oh, and I don't want to give anything away (ahem), but has anyone noticed Sum stroking Frog's cheek at the moment (gayness...HINT HINT...).  
  
Some of the marshmen randomly walked over to the company for no apparent reason, and started doing an Irish jig whilst singing-  
  
'Who are these strangers? Dear marshes, dear marshes,  
  
Who are these strangers? Dear marshes, who they?  
  
They're disturbing our cabbage fight, dear marshes, dear marshes,  
  
They're disturbing our cabbage fight, dear marshes, our cabbages (no the marshes aren't cabbages people...),  
  
We can't be fked to sing, dear marshes, dear marshes (well no, actually I can't be fked to write any more of this crapped-up song...),  
  
We can't be fked to sing, dear marshes, can't be fked'  
  
"Rrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggghhhhh hhhhhhhhhtttttttt" said Gimmy, "Erm, you wanna see a psychiatrist or a shrink or someone guys? 'cos I really think you need some serious help"  
  
"Cool song. When are you releasing it? I wanna buy it. I need some new CDs" put in Sum (arse...who wants a crapped up song, which is sun to the tune of 'There's a hole in my bucket...'??? Sorry didn't I mention that?).  
  
"Well we're having trouble getting a record deal (well you would in the middle of a marsh)" replied one of the marshmen (another inspired name, and I can't be fked to name this guy...how's 'Cabbageman'?) – God, they really are insane...  
  
The cabbages then roared with laughter (does that work- can you roar and laugh at the same time? Impressive...), and shouted a reply song (to the same tune...)-  
  
'Your song is so crappy, so crappy, so crappy (hypocrites),  
  
Your song is so crappy, so crappy, it sucks,  
  
It's fking annoying, annoying, annoying,  
  
It's fking annoying, annoying, it sucks,  
  
You're fking hurting us, hurting us, hurting us,  
  
You're fking hurting us, hurting us, you suck,  
  
We're gonna kill ya, kill ya, kill ya,  
  
We're gonna kill ya, kill ya, you suck'  
  
So they did...Just imagine it- insane brutal cabbages ruthlessly murdering insane marshmen (not easy is it? By the way, to help create this, image in your head, the cabbages bounce to move...Still not working? Give up...I can't be fked to give it to you (kwtschh) detail by detail, and the image is unnerving anyway...).  
  
"Well gayness, we'd better be going or habbitses and Dafty (Gimmy glares at Golly) might be attacked by mad cabbageses" said Gollywog.  
  
So on they walked until nightfall (for a full three minutes then...), and then they made camp (has anyone ever slept (not including with someone...) in this story yet? They must be real tired...). Sum and Gimmy fell asleep at some point, but Frog couldn't get to sleep, and Gollywog never slept because he was too fat and it hurt...  
  
"We misses our gayness, gayness. We needs it. We wants more tasty food, gayness, we is hungry for lobster, gayness" said Gollywog.  
  
"Lobster!" exclaimed Frog suddenly, "Why lobster? Why not battered cod (fish abuse...) and chips, or something normal?"  
  
"Stupid habbit has no taste, gayness. Battered cod and chips! Poor, poor fishes, what have they ever done?"  
  
"Well they taste nice"  
  
"Evil habbit. Never thinks about other others, only out for himself, selfish, selfish"  
  
"Oh shut it"  
  
"Don't tell poor Golly to shut up. Golly always gets abuse from thieving habbit"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Frog, surprised.  
  
"We knows you have it. We knows. You stole our gayness and we wants it back"  
  
"What the ring? I know you miss it, but don't you miss being thinner? Grandold told me you used to be, before you found the ring. You were called Smellme then weren't you?"  
  
"Smellme? Yes, yes, we was, but we hates it, so we changed it to Gollywog, and if nasty habbit stops insulting poor Golly's name, then he can call us Golly"  
  
"Good. Finally. Look, about the ring, I'll get you a better one, any colour you like. How's red?"  
  
"Our favourite colour"  
  
"Good, good. Then you'll this red one and stop lusting after this one?"  
  
"Yes, Golly wants red ring- more pretty"  
  
"Well here you go" said Frog, handing him a red bottle-top-ring-thingy (stupid of Golly- it wasn't even magic...), "Can I try to go to sleep?"  
  
"Yes, yes. Golly didn't say habbit must stay awake"  
  
"Fk you, ya bastard" said Frog, lying down to go to sleep.  
  
Abuse from Golly  
  
The next morning they continued to walk across the marshes, which were now not so alive after the cabbages' genocide. They had now overtaken the Southern end, leaving the Northern end clear for Frog and co to cross- convenient or what?! Gollywog started rambling to himself again- the habbits and Gimmy couldn't figure out what he was saying, but kept hearing the word 'fillet' and 'our fish friend', so, using the small amount of brainpower they shared between them, decided Golly was talking about his friend Fillet, who was a fish- wow, so clever, I'm so proud...  
  
Suddenly Golly stopped in front of a pool of water and knelt down over it. He then stuck his hand in it, and appeared to be waving under the water (another one in need of help...).  
  
"Come, come Fillet" he called, "Golly wants to show you his new friendses"  
  
A few seconds later a fish appeared, he or she was wearing a pink tutu with black pinstripes and a matching tie- this was Fillet (remember him Els and Nabs? I dedicate him to you, in memory of the torture we suffered during those maths lessons...).  
  
"Hiya Golly" said Fillet (it talks...), "How's it going? Not seen you since the episode with the drunken Orby (don't ask- they come in later)"  
  
"Yes Fillet, we doesn't want to talk about that now- Golly has new friends he wants to show you. We also thinks we may be lost ("What!" from Gimmy and Frog. "Yay" from Sum...)"  
  
"Oh deary me! I'll help ya. Just follow me while I swim through these pools of water. I'll lead you to safety" replied Fillet (crossing his fingers...dun dun duuun...)  
  
So they followed Fillet as he (it was a he, but a tranny fish- strrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaange...) spazzed (yes weird spelling, but I like 'z's okay?) through the water, until they reached a manked-up barren wasteland full of mangled burnt trees.  
  
"Well Golly, here you go. I've got you and your friends out. I hope you're grateful"  
  
"Yes, yes, we is, we is. We thanks you very much Fillet, we appreciates it, we do"  
  
"You won't soon"  
  
"What does it mean, gayness? It sounds evil. It frightens poor Golly"  
  
"You'll see" said Fillet as a spaceship descended from up above. It landed on the ground, and out from it stepped more fish like Fillet, except they were green and had antennae- alien-fish (another contribution from Joel, who wanted an alien abduction (so unoriginal), but I decided to have alien- fish instead (so gay and pointless...)  
  
"What's this, gayness?" asked Golly, "Fillet's friendses look evil. Poor Golly doesn't like them"  
  
"Shuddup Golly" snapped Fillet, then, to the alien-fishes, "Bring him aboard- we have our slave. Now we can build up our planet -Pintutu- into a superior world" (clichéd evil guy...)  
  
"Stupid pink Fillet. What has Golly ever done to him? Why does he hate us, gayness?"  
  
"You've always hated the fact that I'm a transvestite, you trannyphobe (yes not a word...) you. You shall pay by serving us forever. We leave now for Pintutu!" (still clichéd...)  
  
So with that a load of alien-fish grabbed Golly and dragged him onto the spaceship (called 'Pinstripe tutu 1).  
  
"I'll be on board in a second. I just need a quick word with Golly's friends" Fillet told the main alien-fish-guard-person, to Frog and co, "I'm sorry to take away your guise, but it had to be done. Please believe me when I say I don't have a problem with you three. I will give advice for which way to go from here as payment for the trouble I have caused"  
  
"Why should we trust you?" inquired (ooh, posh word!) Frog, "You've lied to us already. Who's to say you won't do it again?"  
  
"I only lied to Golly, and I told you I don't have a problem with you guys, so what do ya say?" (is it me or does his speech change from formal to modern to psycho-bad-guy all the time???)  
  
"We have no other option but to follow his directions" said Gimmy to Frog.  
  
"Okay then, tell us where we should go- I give in" Frog decided.  
  
So Fillet gave them directions (which I can't be fked (god there hasn't been any fking swearing for fking ages- I was starting to suffer withdrawal symptoms...) to repeat, and they started to go on their way. Fillet boarded the ship, which flew off into the sky and away to Pintutu (no idea where it is by the way...).  
  
Phew, that chapter was fking long, probably my longest yet- makes up for me not updating for fking ages... 


	14. Nangneenang

Chapter 14- Nangneenang  
  
"Owww!" exclaimed Sum, walking into a tree, "Sorry- didn't see you there" (there you go Vix- the sorry to tree thing's dedicated to you, as you've done it yourself...)  
  
"Sum, it's a tree you arse. Therefore it doesn't have feelings" said Gimmy, despairingly.  
  
"How'd you know? Have you asked it?" replied Sum, stupidly.  
  
"No, of course not. Why'd I talk to trees? That's your practise"  
  
"Err, guys, can we get a move on please? Everyone knows Sum's stupid by now. Can we just get to 'Nangneenang', or whatever Fillet said the tree- maze-place is called" called Frog from up ahead somewhere.  
  
"Ooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" moaned Sum, this time falling over, "Sorry floor" (dedicated to Els- who's done it before- Why people???)  
  
Frog and Gimmy just tutted, and carried on walking through the bushes they had come to about five minutes earlier. After walking for a further twenty minutes, they met a massive maze (too many 'm's...), which was formed from thousands of incredibly tall and wide rainforest-tree-things (don't ask me what they are. Who'd you think I am, a botanist (does plant studying include trees??? Yes obviously...)?  
  
"This must be it" sighed Frog, "Why're the trees so fking tall? God, they're fking fat too. I reckon Fillet was lying and wanted us to get lost, and then starve to death. Fking wanker. Fking fish. Fking-" (man, talk about excessive swearing...)  
  
"SHUT IT" screamed Gimmy, "Look, we've gotta find our way through, or we won't be able to destroy the ring and The Sour One. Is that what you want?"  
  
"I don't give a fk. Grandold's the one who wants them gone. Why's it matter if The Sour One takes all The Bacardis anyway? What's he gonna do- use the Bacardis to take over In-Betweey Place? There're not my kinda thing- I prefer Beer so it doesn't matter to me"  
  
"Shh Frog" whispered Gimmy, "You're ruining this parody. Now anyone reading this is gonna wonder what's wrong with The Sour One taking all the Bacardis too- after we've been covering up the fact that we don't know for so long. You're so not heterosexual (dedicated to Vix). STOP BEING HOMOSEXUAL (also dedicated to Vix, who is feeling left out as nothing was dedicated to her before this chapter- all that will change though...). I think something's coming by the way"  
  
He was right. They'd been walking through the maze (yes Sum was following...) as they were talking, and could now sense (not Sum though) a large shape above them- so they looked up. In the tree they were standing under was a giant treefrog (spelt wrong as it looks crappy with a gap- changing the English language here...), who was definitely female (having treefrog boobs- yeah I know real ones don't, but this ain't real is it?), and was drooling over Gimmy (no taste). I dedicate this treefrog to Els and Nabs, who were there to help me through those dragging maths lessons with Fillet...  
  
"Hi guys" she said longingly, "My names Neenang, and this maze is my land, but I will let you pass if you'll just let me sample this Daft's quality"  
  
Frog burst out laughing, while Sum looked confused (as always), and Gimmy replied, "Well I'd like to have some of that big, treefrog butt of yours. Man I'm a horny Daft right now- I could sure do with some action down below"  
  
"Well come on up this rope-ladder and you'll get what you're asking for"  
  
"I'm there baby"  
  
So Gimmy climbed the ladder, as Frog started puking and Sum still looked confused.  
  
"What's he mean by 'some action down below?" he asked Frog, "I don't get it"  
  
Frog stopped puking and sighed, ignoring Sum's naivety, and walking off away from the love-nest-tree, from which sounds un-repeatable could be heard.  
  
"Hey! Don't ignore me!" shouted Sum, following, "And don't leave me"  
  
"Oh leave it out Sum" said Frog, "I can't be fked to tell you about the birds and the bees. Your Mum and Dad should have told you years ago"  
  
"I know what birds and bees are" replied Sum, "Everyone knows that"  
  
Frog sighed, and chose to ignore him again.  
  
Just then, a song broke out from the love-nest-tree. Neenang could be heard singing 'Gimmy, Gimmy, Gimmy, a Daft after midnight' over and over (I dedicate this song to Dale, Els and Lozy- remember it guys (or girls even...)? It was originally the same, but with Gimli (I disclaim him...) and dwarf, but that doesn't matter here...Pause for breath...anyway...)  
  
"Oh God" moaned Frog, "Can't they just quit it with the eagerness? Everyone's getting bored (again...) and seriously freaked out..."  
  
After a few more minutes, or maybe hours -I dunno- Gimmy returned.  
  
"Man, that was good" he said with satisfaction, "Neenang sure knows how to please a Daft"  
  
"Can we go then?" asked Frog, "Is Neenang gonna show us the way out, or has all this been for nothing?"  
  
"Yeah she is. She's coming with us too, as neither of us want to be parted from the other- we want to savour our engagement"  
  
"ENGAGEMENT!" exclaimed Frog, "You're engaged to a giant treefrog why exactly?"  
  
"'Cos I'm damn good in bed" answered Neenang, arriving at last, "Now stop dissing us, or I won't get you out of here"  
  
"Sorry, sorry. Please don't do that. No offence, but I hate mazes 'cos I get claustrophobic- it's nothing personal"  
  
"Yeah whatever, let's go, I'm bored, and the sooner we get this over with the sooner me and Gimmy can get it on. Come on people"  
  
"God, your babe's Horny" Frog whispered to Gimmy.  
  
"I know" said Gimmy, eagerly, and following after her, "Man I love female treefrogs..." (Well, whatever turns you on...)  
  
So they walked on through Nangneenang, still not quite at Baceezer...  
  
We leave them now (as they're getting fking boring...) to join Grandold, Arson and co again, and attempt to finish this crap... 


	15. More than expected

I wrote this chapter about three months ago and just haven't bothered to type it up...sorry...  
  
Chapter 15- More than expected  
  
Well we're finally back with the other crew...hope you guys didn't miss 'em too much 'cos I know I did...sob sob...ahem...  
  
If anyone remembers (or cares) Grandold and Co were walking (very slowly I must say) to Beeror to get the pool of Beer ready (apparently...). They still hadn't arrived in the city at whatever time we join them now...  
  
"Honey, I'm tired, and I'm PREGNANT (!). Please sweetheart, can you carry me? My poor feet need a rest" Amen whined at Arson.  
  
"Of course babes; you know I'd do anything for you (narrator pukes...)" replied Arson, picking her up.  
  
"Gibberend (it means 'thanks' I reckon)" said Amen sweetly, and staring lovingly (and hornily...) into his eyes (narrator still puking...not literally...).  
  
"Fk me!" exclaimed Arson.  
  
"Later..." whispered Amen. (Dedicated to Dale...remember?)  
  
"No, I meant your fking heavy babe. (Seeing the look she was giving him) Not that I don't want to or anything...Anyway you sure it's just one you're having?"  
  
Arson laughs  
  
"No..."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Well no 'cos I ain't been to see a doctor yet. There weren't any free in Riverhell..."  
  
"Crap, Amen. We're so gonna go and see some midwife the second we arrive in Beeror, okay?"  
  
"Yes hun"  
  
Arson held her tight (he didn't want to drop her...) as he carried her along...and then fell over... (no she didn't have a miscarriage- Ells can't for some reason...)  
  
"FK!!!" he shouted...  
  
"Here we are at last" said Grandold to the company a fortnight later (or sometime later- I've lost all track of time here...), "We have arrived at the gates of the main city of Beeror- 'Largeror' (not as in 'bigger'...). Follow me people; we must speak to the keeper of the throne at once"  
  
"Wait a sec Grandold. Me and Amen aren't gonna come I'm afraid. We have to go and find a midwife somewhere round here"  
  
"Maybe it's for the best, but I don't think it really matters if you're not there. Very well, you can kick him out and take up your kingship later. See you then. Everyone else, follow me"  
  
So Arson carried Amen off to see a midwife, while Grandold and the rest (well the 'important' people- the random warriors went to find 'B&B's...) went to see Deadbore, father of Borromemirror, and keeper of the king's throne, for it had been guarded for years in case of the unlikely, and greatly longed for, event that the King should return. Phew, long sentence...anyways, who'd you guys like to follow first? Ah, let's get the two love-birds (or horny ones...) out the way first shall we? Well then...  
  
Arson walked up to a random woman to ask her where the nearest surgery was...  
  
"Excuse me ma'am, could you tell me where I can find a doctor around here?"  
  
"I am no woman!" snapped the man (!), turning round- whoops, "How dare you?!"  
  
"Hey- do you have a problem with women, you sexist prick?" shouted Amen (hormones...)  
  
"Sorry" said Arson quickly, and ran off up the street, with Amen still in his arms (thankfully...), to find someone else to ask.  
  
In the end they found a surgery themselves, and so rushed in. Arson carried his love up to the reception desk, and asked the receptionist if they could please see a female midwife, because Amen was too shy of discussing personal issues with male ones...  
  
"Certainly sir, but it'll have to be a doctor, who is qualified in that field, as all the midwives are busy" replied the receptionist, "So if you'd like to go along the corridor to room 4, Dr Kids will see you there"  
  
"Thanks very much" said Arson, carrying (God his arms must kill...and I'm fed up of typing 'carrying'- you people must realize he is by now...) Amen off to room 4. He knocked on the door (that rhymes...evil/annoyed glare...) when they reached it, and a woman called, "Come in"  
  
They walked in and sat down on the sofa that faced the doctor's desk.  
  
"So, how can I help you?" she asked.  
  
"I'm pregnant, and I'd like a check-up, because I haven't had one yet. Also, we're a bit worried that I might be expecting more than one baby" replied Amen, anxiously.  
  
"Okay then, if you'll just climb onto the couch, I'll give you an ultrasound to see what's happening"  
  
"Thanks. Arson, could you lift me up please?"  
  
"Sure thing babe" said Arson, doing as she had requested, "God you are heavy hun"  
  
Dr Kids started to scan her, and after a while said, "Ah, well erm..."  
  
"Out with it" said Arson anxiously."  
  
"Well I don't know whether this'll come as good or bad news, but erm..."  
  
"Yes?" said Amen, starting to sob.  
  
"Well, you were right in thinking it wasn't one baby, because err... it's quadruplets..."  
  
"WHAT!!!" screamed Arson, "Four fking babies. Tell me you're joking, please"  
  
"I'm afraid not, but don't worry, because she's an Ell, Amen won't die in childbirth" (Wait a sec- how's she know her name...oooh psychic doctor...)  
  
"Arson" pleaded Amen, "You said you loved me. You said that no matter what happened we'd always be together. I thought you were happy about having a baby. I thought you loved me..."  
  
"I do, and I was happy that you're carrying my child, but that's all I thought it was – one baby, not four. I don't think I can cope with four at once..."  
  
"Honey, we'll get through this. And anyway you're gonna be King- we can get nannies..."  
  
"Good point. Once I'm King, you can have whatever you want babes"  
  
"You're all I want, my darling (narrator starts throwing up again/ crying tears of joy- whichever you prefer...puking naturally...)"  
  
"Sorry" interrupted Dr Kids (rudeness- ruining a romantic (ahem) moment...), "But what do you mean by 'once I'm King'?"  
  
"Oh, never mind that lady (rudeness) - you'll find out soon enough. Come Amen, my love, you're right; we can get through this together"  
  
"I love you" whispered Amen in his ear (still puking) in reply, then turning to Dr Kids (appropriate, and crappy, name eh?), "Is it still around three or four months till I give birth, or has that changed as well?"  
  
Amen laughs (stop tempting fate people...)  
  
"Three or four months? No, my dear, you're an Ell, so you're only pregnant for five or six months- you're baby being half Min doesn't make a difference. You'll have your quadruplets within about a week or two"  
  
"FK!!!" exclaimed Amen and Arson in unison, walking out of the room, and going to find a five star hotel (wonder what they'll get up to...)  
  
Yeah, sorry it's so sickening, but I like annoying you people.  
  
Meanwhile, Grandold, Thedid, Oweme, Eywin, Longlegs, Pip-pop and Merrid (the 'important' ones...long list...) walked to the 'Hall of many Beers'  
  
They walked for a long time down the hall, because it was a really pissy one that was really big.  
  
"Really", said Grandold, trying to be sarcastic.  
  
Shut up you old git, this is my story (well...mine and Megs') and I can repeat myself if I like, so fk you (more pretty astarisksness!!!).  
  
Sorry peeps- Els wrote that...glares at Els- trying to overtake my story and being unimaginative...slaps Els...now write decent shit my love...  
  
Eventually they got to the end, where this old guy was sitting on a throne, taking pill after pill and washing it down with vodka. Dunno why, but who cares anyway? Apparently it was some kind of depressant drug...  
  
Hi it's me, I'm back...Els can't be fked to write anymore...  
  
"Hey Deadbore! What's up dude?" said Longlegs, failing to be cool.  
  
Grandold punched him in the face and knocked him out saying, "Shut the fk up Longlegs" (whoa that is one weak Ell...), then turning to Deadbore, "Sorry about him. We've come to aid you in this war against The Sour One. Thedid here of Rowham brings many strong men of the Rowmard, and I bring myself, the Ell I just knocked out, and one of the strongest among Min, who is busy dealing with his pregnant fiancée at the moment"  
  
Grandold had been talking for so long that Longlegs had regained consciousness, and hit Grandold on the leg as he did so, but Grandold just knocked him out again (man, the guy needs anger management...).  
  
"Oh fk off Grandold. I hold you responsible for my son Borromemirror's death, and I'm not having you kill off my other son, and now heir, Faraway"  
  
"I assure you it won't come to that. Ah, here is your son now. Why not ask him what he thinks. He is entitled to decide for himself, being your heir, and you are fking old, and so are probably gonna die soon"  
  
"HOW DARE YOU?!" screamed Deadbore, "I'm not waiting around to see you take control of my son and my city. I'm off"  
  
"Dad, where're you going?" Faraway asked him (just to prove his presence).  
  
"Never mind son. I will say goodbye, as you won't ever see me again" (God he really is dead boring, and no that's not meant to be funny...)  
  
"Good. I hate you anyway. And just to let you know I've heard that the heir to the throne has returned, so you have even more reason to go and kill yourself now. Have fun" said Faraway coldly (well obviously not lovingly or warmly...lol Dale...)  
  
"Oh fk off the lot of you" shouted Deadbore as he ran to a kitchen that was off the hall. He found a cheese-slicer, and attempted to commit suicide using it (mank), but failed (I dedicate this concept to Els- only she and Vix will ever know why...). He then picked up a knife and thrust (kwtschh...) it into his chest (just to be unoriginal...I mean so many people have died in this way...)  
  
"Dammit! Now we have to clear this mess (kwtschh) up" moaned Faraway, rushing in to see how his father had ended his life- out of morbid curiosity (such a loving son...)  
  
"The end of Deadbore son of Tartywhore ("Yeah, Gran was a slut" put in Faraway (don't you just love his dedication to upholding his family's honour?)), the reign of the King shall begin" said Grandold, sounding wise (even though he ain't). 


End file.
